so this is happy.

putting words to paper feels more important than ever these days. for the first time in ever, true happiness is a certain for me in a life full of uncertains. i've [finally...well, mostly] learned what it means to appreciate the little things—the ritual of my morning coffee and what it signifies: the start of a brand new day, where anything is possible. the fact that this ritual happens every single day. what it means: that anything is possible. every. single. day; the joy of trying new things—swimming, a recipe, yoga, a book—each day offers the discovery of a treasure that has always been right beneath my nose, waiting to be uncovered.  and i know i have truly found happiness because in the midst of holding a job that gives me nothing more than serious feelings of ennui, i know how to check it at the door when i walk away from my desk at 5pm. to know that the thing i’m meant to be doing already exists and is just waiting for me to find it is enough to get me out of bed in the morning. i don’t know what it is, but i can’t wait to find it.

so, to happiness: i found you. you are wonderful, and i am so grateful i know you now.
to the thing [job and/or person, we aren't picky over here[ that is meant for me: i’m ready for you. i’ll keep looking but you can come find me, too.

and to the me that might possibly stumble upon unhappiness some time down the road (afterall, aren’t we all just trying to carve our niche out in this world? sometimes, often times, discovery goes hand in hand with hard times): remember what it feels like in this moment, to have the un nowhere in sight. this life is beautiful and wonderful with the little things.

still trying to paint those lemons gold and other matters of the heart

oh the heart. what a freaking pain in my a$$ that organ is. is it even an organ? i wouldn't know since i am the THE WORST at anything even remotely related to mathematics or science. actually that's not even true, it's just that i am so not confident in any of my (dis)abilities when it comes to math and science that i immediately start to doubt myself. which is to say, something that is so obvious to the majority of the human population becomes completely foreign to me. anyways i digress.

the heart is an organ, and i know this. it is an organ that has been causing me much trouble lately. there are many changes happening in my life that are for the best, and i know them to be right. i'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with the rest of me. i know it's annoying when someone writing a blog post goes all vague on anyone who happens to be reading, but trust me when i say this is not the kind of dirty laundry that needs to be aired on the world wide web. all the same, i am trying my darndest to keep my held high but there are nights every so often where i just feel like i can't do it anymore.

and the thing i've learned from feeling like i can't do it anymore? i've learned that it's ok to not be ok. it's ok to hurt and it's ok to not know exactly what the next step is going to be. it's ok to think you want one thing and 2 days later realize you were completely wrong. maybe things are ok aren't now, but i know that eventually one day they will be. and when that day comes i promise to start being less vague and writing like the funny little old sydney that is inside of me somewhere. bear with me since i'm just having a little trouble finding her right now.

amen.

i have the best friends.

as i mentioned in this post, a very dear friend passed away from lung cancer a year and half ago. i have since dedicated much of my free time to jill's legacy, an advisory board of the bonnie j. addario lung cancer foundation. though beating lung cancer for jill was a mission i took on for myself, friends who never even knew jill have taken it on as their own simply because they know it matters to me. case in point: a very best friend is engaged to a a guy named max. max happens to own the lumber baron, a redwood lumber yard in the east bay. max and i have become fast friends, and he is a presenting sponsor for the 2012 jog for jill. as if that wasn't enough, a few months ago max told me he would be willing to hang a jill's legacy banner at the lumber yard. i kind of thought it was one of those things that we would always talk about but would never happen. a few days ago though, i signed onto facebook to find a picture posted by jill's legacy with the caption,

Thanks to Lumber Baron Construction for hanging our Jill's Legacy banner outside of your office and for being a sponsor of the Berkeley Jog for Jill! See you on March 11th!

i couldn't believe he had actually made it happen. and that example? that's just one. i am a bridesmaid in that same very best friend's wedding, and she has somehow rallied her bridal party into jogging for jill in march.

and then there is roomie and good friend erika, who despite being unable to attend jog for jill, has talked it up enough to her water polo friends that they have started their own team.

those friends of mine have made something that is close to my number one priority right up their with their own priorities. so to that very best friend, max, erika, erika water polo friends and so so so so many others: thank you from the bottom of my heart. i am so lucky to have you as my friends.

(and to jilly up in heaven: we're doin it baby!!)

xo.

painting lemons gold.

that saying, "when life gives you lemons, paint that sh*t gold"? i'm having to do a lot of that so far this month, and i'm only 8 days into it. as always there are plenty of wonderful and positive things in my life, but sometimes life throws one that makes remembering the good things a little more difficult.

luckily for me, i have some pretty great friends--one who bakes delicious treats for me to come home to [after my first GMAT class, no less], one who will get happy hour drinks with me any night of the week after work, one who will gchat endlessly with me, one who sends me the nicest texts just because, and oh yes a sister who i know for sure has always got my back along with many, many others.

i'm slowly finding my way back to my routine (yes, that even includes the occasional workout) and realizing i have so many things in the coming weeks and months--dinner parties, weddings (!!!) a trip to chile, a half marathon--to look forward to.

those lemons? they'll be turning gold in no time.

not about chicken tenders.

remember last saturday when i said i would blog about those chicken tenders? yeah. i lied. and i'm ok with that because they were so not worth it. you know what is worth talking about? this:

erika and i walked down to the ferry building this morning and sat by the water, sipping the most decadent hot chocolate i have had in a long, long time. and you know what? it was the perfect sunday morning.

this week is going to be all about getting back to the gym (trust me when i say it's been a while) and finding little things to enjoy every day. that's what it's all about, right?

and because the end of january is near but the year is still fresh, i will leave you with this from the violet:

that thing we've always wanted to do? let's do it.

2012 is still brand new. it is still what we make. so let's make it our best year yet. (i dare us).

graceful entry back into the blogging world.

i intend to make 2012 the year i start writing more and i intend to start right here on this little bloggy. tomorrow i will do a post on these spicy chicken tenders that i was inspired to make for football sunday by this blog. until then, i will leave you with this to ponder:

why is it that after a night of drinking i feel entitled to eat whatever it is my little heart desires?

ask. believe. receive.

there is a part of me that has been dreading this post, but i feel like in order to get this blog really started and to understand who i am and where i currently am in my life, i need to get this out.

the first 21 years of my life were what many people would define as perfect. i never caused any trouble, did fine in school, got along with my parents and my sister, got a scholarship to college. maybe you could have asked more of me, but not a whole lot. in june of 2009, my world was shaken to its core. i had just finished my junior year of college when i found out one of my best friends for the past 7 years was diagnosed with lung cancer. little miss jillian costello had stave iv lung cancer and there was nothing i could do about it. i will never forget the moment i found out, or the moment i first saw her after her diagnoses. all that aside, jill was ready to fight so she put on a brave face and put up the battle of her life.

i will spare you the emotional details of the proceeding year, but suffice it to say it was hard. i spent many a dinner and evening with jilly, sometimes out and about, sometimes snuggled up in her bed just talking about life. she was the most courageous, genuine, inspirational person i have ever meant. she taught me what it meas to love, to appreciate every single day, to be the best i possibly can, and to live my best life.

in june of 2010, my little friend jillian helene costello died of lung cancer. since then, not a day has gone by that i haven't thought about her. not a day has gone by that i have been grateful that i had her as a friend. i know that no matter how much time goes by, i will never forget her or the lessons she has taught me.

jilly, wherever you are up there, know that i miss you and love you every day. i'm not sure i believed that everything happens for a reason until you left us, but now i see that this world is a better place because of you. one day, we will be able to stand up and say that we have beat lung cancer. when this day comes, know that if it hadn't been in part because of you we never would have made it here. until then, i promise to keep on fighting every single day until we get there. thank you for everything you taught me and for helping me become the person i am today. i know and believe you are never far from me, always watching over me and everyone else you love. rest in peace my sweet girl. xoxoxoxo