still trying to paint those lemons gold and other matters of the heart

oh the heart. what a freaking pain in my a$$ that organ is. is it even an organ? i wouldn't know since i am the THE WORST at anything even remotely related to mathematics or science. actually that's not even true, it's just that i am so not confident in any of my (dis)abilities when it comes to math and science that i immediately start to doubt myself. which is to say, something that is so obvious to the majority of the human population becomes completely foreign to me. anyways i digress.

the heart is an organ, and i know this. it is an organ that has been causing me much trouble lately. there are many changes happening in my life that are for the best, and i know them to be right. i'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with the rest of me. i know it's annoying when someone writing a blog post goes all vague on anyone who happens to be reading, but trust me when i say this is not the kind of dirty laundry that needs to be aired on the world wide web. all the same, i am trying my darndest to keep my held high but there are nights every so often where i just feel like i can't do it anymore.

and the thing i've learned from feeling like i can't do it anymore? i've learned that it's ok to not be ok. it's ok to hurt and it's ok to not know exactly what the next step is going to be. it's ok to think you want one thing and 2 days later realize you were completely wrong. maybe things are ok aren't now, but i know that eventually one day they will be. and when that day comes i promise to start being less vague and writing like the funny little old sydney that is inside of me somewhere. bear with me since i'm just having a little trouble finding her right now.

amen.